“Scrapbook: Breathing Without My Air.”


It has been a year ago, a year since we have parted ways, like east and west coast, like north and the south pole, from strangers, friends, best friends, lovers, strangers, and supposedly lovers again. I met her in a motocross event; Motocross is my passion, together with my best bud Raj, but after meeting her? Everything changed, the next thing I know is, LOVING HER IS NOW MY PASSION. Even I could not imagine the complexity of our relationship. Treating one another like we are a true married couple, and on some parts, quarreling like we are two countries at war. BUT NOW? Here I am, tracing my steps back again, with the feeling of being a baby learning to walk and talk for the first time. “There is always a way out for those clever enough to find it.” That line is from a book series that is well-known all over the world, from “PERCY JACKSON: The Titan’s Curse.” There is always a way out, but the question is,


If “MOVING ON” is a subject taught at school, I think I will be the MASTER OF FAILURE in that subject. How can I even find my way out?! She is the key to my door. How can I call myself clever? She’s my mind, my heart, my soul. That line up there? (^) it struck me a lot of times, AND IT’S STILL COUNTING. I could not find the point of that line actually.

… Let’s put it this way.

What if you’re in my place? If she’s your life, YOUR EVERYTHING. What will you do if she leaves you? BUT IN THE MOST TRAGIC WAY.


“Run!!!!! Run!!!!”

I heard myself shouting, this is not ordinary I can say, my voice, I am actually stuttering, fear, tired, lack of hope… then I glance on my left side, Shey is there with me running, sweat and tears covered her eyes. We are running along a road that we don’t know, as I look back, I was shocked to see a car, fast approaching, zooming… COMING TO US. On the driver seat, I saw a familiar face…..

As I glance.

As I look.

I am shocked with what I saw.

Then light has blinded me…


I found myself lying in my bed. Sweaty, my arms, my chest, even my eyes, it’s crying, I AM CRYING. GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER MY BODY, I’m dreaming.


I want to call her

BUT it has been a week.

Since we cut all sources of the communication.

It has been week since we broke up.



“I hate you.”

“I am sorry.”

“It’s over.”

She slammed the door, and then leaves. It was the last thing that I heard from her, after that, nothing. It was my fault actually, I am starting to fall out of love, but she didn’t stop loving me, every day of every week of every month of every year. It hurts to see her wait for me up to midnight so we can study the lessons for tomorrow, and me? I am outside with my friends enjoying motorcycle rides. Those moments where she looks like a dumb-ass, waiting for me to go home? IT SUCKED! I SUCK! And now she’s gone, I don’t really know how to start, AGAIN. It was a year ago since it ended; it is not a wild confrontation, BUT VERY HEART SHATTERING. Maybe one of the most heart breaking events I have encountered. IT WAS DEVASTATING TO SEE THE ONE YOU LOVE BREAK DOWN BECAUSE OF YOU.





Thursday night, I am eating supper with my family it has been a week since we have broken up. The day when I want to call her, that day that I have experienced maybe the most frightening dream. While eating, THE PHONE RINGS. I stood up almost rushing, expecting that the voice on the other line was hers. My mom insisted that she will answer it, she told me to finish my meal, and I followed what she said.

The next thing I heard…..



We rushed to the hospital, my eyes are so red. I am holding the scrapbook, the one that I made, the whole year, it was for our anniversary, but because of the break up, and I want to give it to her as a peace-offering,



We asked the nurse where is Shey, and we rushed to the EMERGENCY ROOM. We run, I run like there is no tomorrow, then Tita Aleli stopped me from entering the room, she hold my hand tight with watery eyes and said,

“She’s with God now……. She will be our angel, YOUR ANGEL FROM NOW ON.”

I followed the ones who brought her to the morgue; I’m with Keith, her younger brother. I am there, just looking at her, with no tears, I’m drained, physically and emotionally. I am looking at my life; she looks like a little girl sleeping, like she has no problem, like she’s with our archangels. Then Keith poked me, he gave me this letter, from Shey…

“Dear Vincent,


I love you.


I want to be with you forever.


I want to be your angel.


I want to guide you.


I am sorry.


Your “FUTURE” guardian,

Shey :)”


            Shey is 16 years old, I am puzzled, I do not even know what is the cause of death. After a while I went to Tita Aleli,

“Vincent, Shey has brain cancer. She did not want you to know, She knows you are a very persistent guy, and if you know, you will not stop looking for many solutions, it was stage 3 then it had gotten worse, last May, the doctor told us that it was now stage 4 AND THE DOCTOR TOLD US THAT IT WILL ONLY TAKE 4 MONTHS UNTIL SHE BREAKS DOWN, but because of your love? It was extended. You’re the Miracle Vincent, you are Shey’s angel.”

I am speechless,

My reply?


Why Shey?



It was a year ago, when I met Shey, the day that she became my archangel? That day when she left me?






About flashubina

reading is my breakfast, lunch, supper, AND MIDNIGHT SNACK :) so if you love to eat, join me! :)
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